U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
