I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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