I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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