Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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