Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
