um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
