ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
