I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
