Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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