I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
