I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Randomize
