i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
