Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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