Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize