Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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