I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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