i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
