I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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