he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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