okay pat passed out under dana's car
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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