The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
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