i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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