I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
