Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
