i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
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