I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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