it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize