Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Randomize
