I'm passing your future prison.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
