He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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