The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
