I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
