Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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