my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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