i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
