my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
