How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Randomize
