I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
