can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
