whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
