He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
