I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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