Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize