"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
