Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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