i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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