Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
