I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
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