A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
