every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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