I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
