Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize