you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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