He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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