I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
