So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize