i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize