ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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