I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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